She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
