so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
