im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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