If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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