"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
