I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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