I wish I only lived at night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
