Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
