dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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