I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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