I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
