What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
