New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
