When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
