I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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