That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
3pm strippers are depressing
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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