I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
