I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
