You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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