Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
