I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
