Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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