bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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