He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
