How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
