my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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