Do you still have your period?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Soap is not a condiment
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
