my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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