I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
