He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
