i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
