Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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