in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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