Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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