I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
porn star boner night. come get it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
