I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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