I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
