My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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