I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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