Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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