I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
