i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
