Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
