Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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