i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
