apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
