Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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