there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
