i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
