I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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